now playing: life's next chapter

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Am I just exhausted from burn out or is my life on pause again? Is it the calm before the storm or the stagnancy of still water? I’ve been doing so much these past few months yet now it seems like none of it ever mattered. What was the point, when I look at all the goals, I had listed so carefully out for myself in the past only to find none of them even close to commencement. Yeah sure, goals change over time. What might have been a stop point, have miraculously turned into personal wins. But did they, for me?

At some point, I realized why I was never satisfied. Because I would look at others and they’ll have something they can show off. Something they can share with the world. Meanwhile, I was focused on personal wins, undoing bad habits, unlearning negative philosophies. Sometimes too personal to share. And even if I did, it wasn’t like anyone was going to be happy for me. It’s not like they’ll be inspired by it. What does it matter to them, if I am sleeping for 8 hrs a day or drinking enough water? To them, this is the bare minimum; everyone does it all the time. Everyone should be able to. What’s the big deal?

And it’s only gotten more and more normalized because of grind culture. If you’re not “grinding” all the time, doing something to actually build up your resume all the time, you’re not doing enough. Maybe they’ll even think you’re being lazy. It’s not true though, if I compared an analysis of my life now vs. five months ago, I can see a lot of changes. But it doesn’t feel enough. Because none of these changes have helped me achieve my long-term goals, socially or academically-speaking.

So what now? Do I try to change my mindset? Wouldn’t that affect me even more? I work better with deadlines and under pressure, maybe because that’s just how our education system is. If I’m not constantly under peer pressure of achievements, how long would it take me to get something done? It’s not like I’m doing anything substantial, even now, so how would that change? Moreover, what would it take for me to actually enjoy and learn from it instead of just “getting it done”?

The world is changing, ever-evolving much faster than you can keep up and it seems everyone’s got their racing gears on before you could even realize. And I feel like my life had been on pause for so long, and now I’ve got a multitude of things to do and they just keep piling up. And instead of drowning in it, I’ve been ignoring it all together because I’m so exhausted of keeping myself alive. It’s as if I’ve spent all my energy and will power in just surviving and now I don’t know how to actually live. And it’s so frustrating because I know I’ve a lot to catch up on, a lot that needs my attention right now, and another dozen things that needs my energy for a comfortable future. I can plan, list out everything that needs to be done and sort it out priority wise, but I can't for the life of me do anything to start the process.

And what’s worse is, I know I will suffer the consequences of my inaction. I am actively facing them; my mind can understand but never learn from my mistakes. Coping and healing but never fighting back or taking an initiative to figure it out. And now I’m afraid, because on the other side of this ignorance is a responsibility so overwhelming it’s almost suffocating and I don’t know where to start. I know while I waste my time thinking all of this through, anyone with enough spite will simply get up and carry it out. They make me envious because where are they getting all this energy from? And how do I get mine? Sheer force of will power isn’t doing it anymore; my battery is fried to a crisp.

How do I move forward from this? What can I do to get my spark back? And most importantly, how do I make it fun and maybe a little dramatic?